As I read the latest survey which found Americans unprepared for the complex and unpredictable realities of longevity and caregiving, I thought about my own experience. In my case, planning with parents for their wishes has allowed for open and frank conversations that helped to develop trust and understanding. It provided a chance to resolve and express unspoken sentiments and a time to see parents/in-laws as peers. It was also a time for them to share life enriching experiences. In the process of helping them plan for their lifestyle choices and care, I learned something more about them, myself and my family. In my situation it allowed me to recognize how much value I place on having intellectual and meaningful activities.
It was interesting to read, in the survey of caregivers, (called C.A.R.E.—Costs, Accountabilities, Realities, and Expectations) that 60% said caring for two aging parents can be more demanding than caring for two children (ages 3-5). It also found that 66% said that the extra costs involved would have a large financial impact on them, and, perhaps more significantly, 38% said they had not planned for these costs. Most respondents believe the shortfall would be offset from cuts to discretionary living expenses, retirement savings, or from another source of income.
This survey is particularly worthwhile because it reveals a disconnect between the perception and the reality of caring for an elder. The perception is that caregiving is mostly about grocery shopping, cooking and laundry. Whereas, experienced caregivers know that although chores and emotional support play a large part, it is financial support and personal hygiene that are the most stressful and anxiety building aspects of caregiving. The lesson here is that you can best assist your parent or elder by pointing out this disconnect—help with chores is fine and may be necessary, but thinking through how caregiving will be financed and how their physical needs will be met is paramount to avoiding serious challenges.
As they plan their caregiving you should encourage them to agree on the signs that will be used to indicate it is time to seek further assistance with their finances and physical care. It is during these caring conversations about their wishes that you can volunteer ways in which you are willing and able to be of help (but only after you’ve examined your own retirement plan).
As the off-spring of a parent that raised a family, that may have managed a firm and made countless complicated decisions during their careers, it can be difficult to envision your mother or father sometime down the road when logging onto the Internet or even frying an egg seem onerous tasks. A key ingredient to helping them along is to examine honestly what lies ahead and plan accordingly. Encourage them to remain connected to family (they will benefit from increased meaningful contact with a loved one) and to build a fiduciary team for their physical, mental and financial wellbeing. With the right type of built-in support along the way, their retirement can truly be the “golden years,” an immensely satisfying and productive time.